


Trauma

by PippinPips



Category: Fushigi Yuugi
Genre: Character Study, Dealing With Trauma, Emotional Turmoil, F/M, Post-Series, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 15:57:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6861781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PippinPips/pseuds/PippinPips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are still demons that Yui needs to piece through.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trauma

**Author's Note:**

> I feel that Yui always gets the short end of the stick, so this is a mutual stream of consciousness from myself as well as her. So these are my headcanons on what Yui would be like as she deals with everything that happened to her.

Yui Hongo is broken. At least that’s how she’s seen, that’s how she feels on some days. Like a broken little doll. 

Nakago had played her so easily, had twisted her. Even when she’d had an inkling of who he was and what he’d done, there had never been enough of a push to really dislodge her from his grip. Not until the end. 

That’s where the same that shame that covers the back of her tongue comes in, but along with it is the slight bitterness towards Miaka, still. She feels guilty about it, the anger she feels, but there’s still part of her that needs to know why she had to go through everything she did. Why most of her warriors had been callous and distant people. The only ones who wanted anything to do with her had been her manipulator and the boy who thought he’d been in love with her. 

Miaka had, had it far easier with people who would give them lives for her--most of her warriors had been loyal to Nakago, not her--and then there had been Taiitsukun. Miaka had gotten gifts and tips from the deity. 

Nothing was fair, and yet as her mind dips to unpleasant places she finds herself feeling sick at the fact she feels this way at all. 

_ Miaka has done nothing to you _ . Her brain harps just like Tamahome had. There was nothing to feel betrayed over, yet there was. There is. There had been no true apology for Miaka’s words, for the whispers she had confided in Tamahome in that room. “You’re the whole reason I came back” she’d told him while they had thought they were alone. 

Yui feels her stomach roll and clench. Sometimes she hates her memories the fact that she’s still able to picture all of it and remember every word. She can also remember every time Nakago had been there for her, and her heart swells a little with warmth before it crashes hard against her chest and cools. 

Nakago never cared about her. 

Yet. 

She touches the earring. It’s there. His essence. His energy. It’s protective just like him. Just like her memories of him. Everything about Nakago twists and snags in her mind, and her emotions are just as twisted as her memories. 

Suboshi…

All of her warriors were so twisted, and now they’re still all dead. Again Miaka wins there, or maybe she doesn’t. Could Yui really look into a reincarnated Nakago’s eyes and not feel the anger at his manipulations? The pain at seeing Suboshi and knowing what he’d done--except it wouldn’t be him. 

 

At least there’s Tetsuya. He’s kind and careful with her. Then again there’s no secrets to keep from him. Not when he’s read everything she’s gone through. He knows how damaged she is. He hates the earring for what it represents, but she still can’t take it off. 

Yui knows she should get rid of it, but in a way while it’s part of her manipulator it’s also part of her protector. Once again all her emotions get twisted up about those facts. She hates him and cares for him at once.

“You need help, Yui Hongo,” she murmurs beneath her breath. She needs to hate him. It’s healthier to hold Nakago accountable for his actions.  _ Then should I hold Miaka accountable for hers still? Forgive, but never forget?  _ The thought pierces through her head like a bolt. 

She can’t fall through that darkeness, that steep cliff again. What Yui needs is control over her thoughts and to stop the malicious ones that spread through her like poison. That’s Nakago talking, speaking through her. His influence still thrumming through her system. Yui grits her teeth.

 

Fuck Nakago. 

Fuck Suboshi for his twisted love. 

Fuck Amiboshi for abandoning her. 

Fuck Soi for hating her. 

Fuck all of them for not giving one damn about her. 

Fuck them for dying. 

Fuck them for not even being here so she can process this easier. 

Fuck the guilt that claws at her throat and chest. 

 

Except it’s all her fault right? 

 

Tetsuya says it isn’t, but she can’t tell for sure behind his dark glasses. 

 

When did her trust become so unstable and thin? 

There’s a part of her that wants to point all of her fingers at Nakago. It was him. He’s the one who made her this way. It’s all his fault, no one else’s but his. There’s a safeness in that certainty. Except Yui knows it isn’t all true. 

The cracks may have been pulled apart until they were chasms by Nakago, but that fissures started with Miaka. 

Shit. No. Not Miaka. 

Nakago. It’s all Nakago. 

He was damaged in the same way he’d led her believe she’d been damaged, but also brilliant in the ways she wanted to be. 

Now she wants his brilliance but also the compassion he lacked.

Did he lack it? 

He must have. He killed and harmed those who failed him. He manipulated her. Allowed her to believe she’d been raped and then allowed her to nearly kill herself. He had fanned the flames of hatred. Nakago had wanted his revenge and she’d nearly given it to him. 

 

Something inside of her crumbles. It’s been crumbling ever since they came home. 

 

“Tetsuya?” she says loud enough that she hopes he hears her. What she needs right now is for someone to keep her out of her own head. There’s too much shrapnel in there. 

Tetsuya peers around the corner, those shades are actually gone from his face for once. He looks far more handsome this way, Yui muses, but she doesn’t mind the sunglasses. The habit is odd, but she can no longer judge on what habit could be considered odd or off. 

“Yeah, Yui?” he answers her.

She feels the nausea and worry roll around in her stomach. She wants to spill everything, but how can she articulate all of the well everything that pulses through her. 

“Are you working on anything? I need to get out of head,” Yui says instead. His face softens, he looks at her like she’s a wounded animal. Part of her wants to snap, but wasn’t she just thinking about how broken she is? 

“I, yeah, I’m reading some stuff you want to help me translate some of it?” he asks. It’s not that he needs her help, he’s smart and an excellent researcher. She’d just be confirming anything he’d already translated. The only help Yui can think she’ll be is to cut down on time. However, this is exactly what she’s asked for, something to take herself out of her head. 

“Of course.” Yui feels the ‘thanks’ coming on the tip of her tongue, but Tetsuya startles her by wrapping his arms around her. He’s holding her like he thinks she’ll disappear into thin air. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks. Yes. No. Absolutely not, but yes so much. Yui opens her mouth and nothing comes out. Tetsuya’s grip tightens. “I’ll never judge you.” Her body nearly collapses in his hold. 

“Not even you can look away from this,” she says softly. 

“Try me.” Yui sighs, pressing her face against his neck. 

“I don’t know how to explain it all,” she reasons. 

“Do the best you can,” Tetsuya replies. He allows her silence to stretch and then he too sighs, “but you don’t have to. I promise. I’m not going to force you.” 

“I’m angry,” Yui says. Tetsuya is quiet for a few heartbeats letting her form her thoughts. “At all of them.” 

“All?” 

“Miaka… my warriors… mostly Nakago.” There’s part of her that’s surprised that Tetsuya doesn’t sigh and tell her to get over Miaka. Instead he cups the back of her head. 

“What about exactly?” he asks. 

“I’m angry that she’s never fully apologized for what happened when she came back. I know, I know it was stupid and cruel for me to go after Tamahome. I’ll own that, but she told him she’d come back  _ wholly  _ for him,” Yui says. It feels odd saying it outloud. It feels odd to not have all the venom pouring into her words. Had that all been Nakago? 

No. It’d been her. It’d been her hurt and wounded self. 

“I see.” Tetsuya pulls back just enough to look at her in the eyes. His hands shift so that they’re cupping her cheeks. “And… everyone else?” 

“I don’t want to talk about my warriors… they’re,” she stops talking and bites her lip. She needs to talk about Nakago. “I’ll talk about  _ him _ though.” Yui feels Tetsuya stiffen. There’s some part of her that wonders if Tetsuya hates Nakago more than she does, and perhaps he does because there’s none of this twisting of some sort of strange affection for the man within Tetsuya. “He played me like a fiddle, but he also made me feel safe and I hate that he confuses my emotions and thoughts.” 

“Yui,” Tetsuya trails off. He can’t help here, she knows it and he knows it. So, he just holds her and she for another second tries to formulate her thoughts. Nothing fits. Nakago, Suboshi, her experience in Kutou. She can’t find the right words. “I’m sorry.” 

Yui blinks up at him. That response doesn’t make any sense, unless… unless he’s walking away. Her body goes cold, and Yui waits for the hammer to fall. 

“I’m so sorry, you’re going through this,” Tetsuya says. He kisses right above her left brow. “I’m trying to listen as best as I can.” Except it’s hard to do, she can hear that last part even with out him verbalizing it. 

“But?” she asks. Is it cruel to need him to verbalize it? 

“But,” Tetsuya begins, “I hate that man so much for what he did. I can’t be objective. You need someone objective. Someone who isn’t in Miaka’s corner or yours.” 

It clicks quickly. He’s not leaving. He’s not turning his back on her. 

“A therapist?” Won’t her mother be disappointed, but didn’t she say earlier that she needed it? 

“Yeah, I’ll be with you every step of the way, Yui, but…” This time it’s Tetsuya struggling for words. 

“But you and I can’t do this on our own,” Yui finishes, “at least not right now.” He nods slowly. 

Reaching up slowly, Yui touches the earring.  _ See… you’re not the only one who knows how to stay by my side, Nakago.  _ The blue stone is warm to the touch and part of her wonders what it means, but then there’s Tetsuya enveloping her in his presence again. Holding her tight.    
  



End file.
